21 February, 2008

Rumblings from the WU

Stockholm Syndrome?

With the end of the VP Admin elections and none of their demands met - except for the election of the right honorable TM - we at the Advocate feared for the life of the Radical Keg, held hostage in some roach infested hippy commune. At any point, we expected to receive word of some black, cylindrical object plunging from the top of Butto and killing the entire UBC Young Conservatives club. The thought of such a noble keg dying in such an ignoble manner made our hearts heavy. Then, we received a shocking revelation.

A phone call from an individual with a synthesized voice informed us that the Radical Keg had 'seen the light' so to speak, and had come around to the viewpoint of its captors. The mysterious caller claimed that the Keg would make a return to see its former masters at the Radical Beer Garden on February 29th and to push forward the material dialectic.



Naturally, a whole host of possibilities flooded through our minds: torture, Stockholm Syndrome, .....granola! God knows what the terrorists have done to it. We only hope that the Keg will persevere so that one day it may make a run for President when it is old and rusty and that it may feel the comforting sensation of beer inside it before too long.

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15 February, 2008

Victory!

The Devil's Advocate is orgasmic to announce we have achieved peace for our time! Aaron Palm, VP Admin candidate is announcing victory! When asked to comment on his victory, Aaron said, "I am slightly surprised at the results, but am proud all 87 of you voted for me. This is the dawn of a new era. There is much work ahead."

We will publish full election results once they are made available to the public. Right now they are super secret. We just happen to have eyes everywhere.






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13 February, 2008

Wreath Underground strikes again!




The rumours are true folks. J ‘The Keg’ Mac, or at least the keg part of him has been kidnapped by a group claiming to be the Wreath Underground. Details of the kidnapping are sketchy. Jeremy reported two shadowy figures carrying a keg between them and moving at high speed towards the SUB on Monday. After this, there was a lack of news, despite Jeremy’s demands at Monday’s VP Admin debate for the kidnappers to come forward. Last night, they did. Manifestos were thrown into MASS, de facto home of the Radical Beer Faction, outlining their demands. We assume the Ubyssey has also received these and will be commenting on the situation on Friday. We hope to obtain a scanned version of the scrawled bit of political toilet paper soon, but unfortunately, we lack the appropriate hardware.
It also came to our attention, that members of the Radical Beer Faction, a close ally of the Advocate, have received phone calls, during which an electronically distorted voice outlined the group’s demands again. Finally, the Advocate has received a video version of the manifesto. We provide it, in its entirety below. Observe Tuesdays Ubyssey being used as ‘proof of life’. As far as we know, the Keg remains untapped. No comment yet from the Radical Beer Faction.
More information as the story develops.




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11 February, 2008

Where did Steve go?

Mad props to Alex Lougheed for noticing this - Steve McCarthy ain't on the ballot! This brings the election to a whole new level of special. Last week I watched Democracy die. This week I'm watching the raping of its corpse.

I don't want to immediately jump on the blame Jar-Jar (aka Brendan the Election Admin) train, but unless Steve was magically disqualified last night some asshat messed up big time. Could have been the webmaster (who is possibly more incompetent than Jar-Jar. Why hasn't he been fired yet?)

Maybe this will be fixed soon, and only a few votes will be thrown out. Because if we have to do yet another election I am going to retreat to my sad corner and spend the rest of the month in a tequila induced stupor.

Enjoy your Monday.

-ap

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10 February, 2008

The VP Admin Debate: Insanity, Dis-endorsements, etc


Aaron ‘Awesome’ Palm doesn’t want me to publish on this blog anymore, mainly because he wants to make a paper edition, but since no one else seems to be covering this election, I guess I have to, especially as voting starts tomorrow. So, here’s your single serving of punditry.

I saw something that broke my heart on Thursday. I saw student democracy derailed; I saw the abomination of desolation standing within the temple. Yea, truly I tell you, it was a black day for POGG, or whatever the AMS equivalent is. (RSF –reducing student fuckage?)

Why was Thursday so terrible you ask? After all, the sun shone and the birds chirped in the tree, or at least I assume there were some birds chirping in some trees, somewhere. Most people should have been happy. What made me sad today – other than a lack of sleep and a new distain for Canadian Citizenship exams - was the VP Admin debate

What’s that you say? You didn’t hear that there was a debate? You didn’t even know that there was an election? For shame! Wait - it’s probably more due to the fact that no one was told about it. After all, I knew that there was a debate sometime around noon today, and went online to try and find the time and failed. There was no evidence of it anywhere. Brendan, you win again. Never underestimate the power of the Jar-Jar! (Yes, that is Brendan’s new title)

After finding the debate moderator and discovering the time and place, I sat myself down in one of the airplane lounge seats and pulling out my trusting journalist notebook. I noticed that the AMS Execs (past and present) and Media outnumbered the normal democratic observers. People going by gave us disdainful looks. Here are my thoughts.

Aaron ‘Awesome Palm’

Aaron opened up his speech with a fiery condemnation of the state of affairs in the AMS. Waving his bible aloft, dressed in the slender of his 1930s Volstead Act Enforcer-esque suit and tie, he proclaimed that God had sent a prophet to UBC, a prophet the people had not heeded. For the AMS exec’s sins of drinking and fornication the Almighty had decreed that his people were undeserving of democracy and so sent his servant, Brendan, to foil this process by cancelling the VP Admin election. Yet the AMS Exec did not pay heed to his deeds, and insisted on attempting to have another election, like the Israelites continuing to build golden calves in the desert, even after Brendan had slain the first. Thus, in the eyes of the Lord, this election is an abomination.
That’s right baby. The religious right is back in town.

Aaron proceeded to find an appropriate biblical passage for every question that arose in the debate, outlining his platform as he did so in true Advocate fashion. He even managed to provide an answer to the neo-liberalization of the university by suggesting the use of the UBC flotilla for friendly piracy along the Vancouver Coast.

Yea, those who plunder, ye will be plundered.

In short, he was bold, he was charismatic, he was innovative, he was crazy, and he was Huckabee.

Thank God we’ve already dis-endorsed him.


Stephen McCarthy:

So, I totally forgot that another one of the Advocate writers was running for this position. Of course this naturally means he’s DIS-ENDORSED.
Naturally I also have good reasons for this. Steve has Photoshoped more fancy posters of himself than I’ve done lines of cocaine off the bellies of Thai hookers. [I have fun vacations] From a man who made ‘flyerfuck’ a byword among hacks, I find this mildly hypocritical. For shame!

Also, as a member of the UBC Debate Society Exec, I have insider knowledge of Steve’s leadership and administration skills. Oh yeah, the real dirt. Naturally, I can’t tell you, because if he loses I still have to deal with him for a few months. You are thus denied an exclusive.

Steve also wants to promote non-alcoholic events on campus for which we must shame him. Clearly he’s a pawn in the University’s war on fun and has sold out for the promise of power and fame as an AMS exec. Or whatever the benefits of the job actually are. All we have to say, is that we support drinker’s rights and that if minors want to have some fun, they should join a jam space.

Stephanie Ryan:
We learned from Stephanie how she’d been ‘surprise’ nominated into the VP Admin Race thanks to the efforts of Alex ‘Flyerfucker’ Lougheed. Which is a little better than surprise sex, but not by much. Stephanie used her position to say pretty much whatever she wanted, like suggesting slates should come back and making fun of AMS link after I foolishly asked what it was. I can hear Spencer Keys crying already.

Shawn Stewart:

Shaw needed a laptop for his opening speech. Apparently he was too good for pen and paper. The Luddite behind this keyboard does not appreciate. He laid out his list of amazing accomplishments, including the Clubs Blizzard AMS event. Strangely I actually recall that. It was an unmanned booth in the SUB surrounded by a cubicle with posters on it. Now that’s leadership!

Shawn was also one of the few people who tried to defend AMS link. Apparently we were beta-testing for the company involved. Going on this Stephanie's description of it being like Facebook, only sucky and without the ability to go back to the last page, it sounds more like gamma testing. Maybe delta.

He also liked repeating clever things that Scary Mike said. And then repeating those things again.


Tristan Markle:

Tristan illustrated an amazing understanding of the evils of U-boulevard and the corporatization of UBC. Too bad that’s the VP Academics portfolio. He also doesn’t like endowments. I’m sure the Insiders will have a real discussion on this, so I’m just not going to touch that bit of policy. He also suggested that having a real alternative to AMS link was vital and that’d he get that done quickly. Part of this plan involved a big screen for announcements in the SUB (Or I think that’s what he said. He speaks quietly and I was sleep deprived.) I like big screens. They’re pretty.

Tristan, you’re a communist in my twisted neo-con view, but you care about stuff. Therefore you’re not dis-endorsed. Yet. Watch your ass.

Yian Messoloras:

This whole gongshow is your fault. I would be working on my thesis right now if it weren’t for the fact I feel obligated to report this stuff. Or at least poke fun at it. You clearly had little idea about what stuff like, what AMS link was. I didn’t either, but you don’t have an excuse. You should know this shit. You were lucky that the moderator didn’t care enough to enforce the order and let candidates do their own thing.

Oh, and you’re still DIS-ENDORSED.

Michael Kushnir:

What happened Scary Mike? Where did the Rabbi go? Where are the laughs? The Jew jokes? All this seriousness makes me sad. When I get a moment to actually go over your platform, I’ll satirized your policies, but I have to do work soon.



To conclude, I have to note something funny. Perhaps it is only the sketchy internet in my house, but I seem unable to access the AMS website, and thus any official news about the elections. This can be explained by one of two possibilities

a) The AMS website is down or

b) Brendan, blessed by the Almighty, has used his supernatural powers to identify our IP addresses and BLOCKED the Advocate editorial board from the AMS website. Curses! The path of journalism never did run smooth.

Also, I think I’m currently providing more analysis of the election that the Insiders are right now. Weird!

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04 February, 2008

Aaron Palm – The Candidate for AWESOME! Platform and DISENDORSEMENTS for the VP Admin Election

You all knew this day would come, the day on which the Advocate editorial board looked out over the wasteland of AMS politics and said, ‘We would do a much better job than these losers.’ We have tired of reporting on these clusterfucks, and desire to be the ones making them. And they’ll be bigger and clusterfuckinger than ever.

Thus it is with great happiness that I announce the candidacy of Aaron ‘Awesome’ Palm for VP Admin.



Aaron has no platform. He does not need one. His only claim is that this election should not exist in the first place; they were the result of a cock-up of Jar-Jar Binks proportions by Brendan Piovesan (Giving Palpatine emergency powers? Nice one Jar-Jar.) In fact, if you vote for him, he will hunt you down and smack you for being silly. And probably shank you to boot. If that doesn’t make logical sense after what I said earlier, well then screw you! Western logic is a social construct used to keep the people down. Just ask the Knoll.

Aaron has only one policy suggestion, and that is that we create a flotilla to solve the UBC housing crisis. (See Commodore Cuddles’ article on the subject) If that sounds more like a VP Academic lobbying job, you’re correct. We don’t believe in annoying things like mandates or job descriptions holding true leaders back.

Debates will go as follows: If ‘Awesome’ Palm doesn’t feel like answering the question, he doesn’t have to. He’ll use the tag team option and send in another member of the DA’s editorial board to lay waste to the opposition with humour and bile.

We can only hope that this will not result in the cancellation of the election. On the other hand, the more fuel for our satire the better. Honestly, what’s the Daily Show going to do when George W is out of office? We feel the same about Brendan.

In conclusion, this publication has no choice but to DISENDORSE ‘Awesome’ Palm right away. I know, it seems like madness, but we haven’t endorsed anyone yet (okay, maybe Serious Steve did, but whatever) and we’re not about to start now. Even for one of our own. We may not have morals, but we do have standards.

Stay tuned, AMS fans. This is going to be a wild ride.

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02 February, 2008

VFM Results and Selling Out

Hey there Advocate fans. Yes, you thought we were done, you thought we had better things to do, like schoolwork. And guess what – we do. But the Advocate is like crack; once you’ve tried it, you can’t go back.
First of all, let us tell of the glorious news. Through the magic of interpolated voting (or whatever the fuck it’s called) the powers that be have awarded us $1400! Okay, so we were beaten out by the Insiders and the Knoll, but they had ‘facts’ and ‘progressiveness’ on their side. Blatant cheating IMO. Still, that’s a lot of hookers and blow we can buy with that money.

Just kidding Mark Latham. We’d only get some low quality hookers with that kind of money and who needs those? Not these handsome devils.


I’d like to take a moment to thank Brendan and the VFM administrator for keeping the riff-raff out of the electoral process for the VFM by arranging the clusterfuck that was this contest. By starting the VFM vote just as the AMS vote was finishing, you guys ensured that uninformed and/or stupid people couldn’t muck up the results by voting for publications based on name recognition. In your face, Macleans on Campus! That’s what you get for producing no content! “Laughs maniacally”
Really, this whole election underscores the Napoleon III version of democracy that is AMS politics; only the educated elite vote, or even care. Or in this case, we orchestrate it so that people don’t know about the vote going on, unless they read such illustrious media sources such as this one. This leads me to a terrible, terrible conclusion.

It was on the back on the hack vote that we got our money.


That’s right boys and girls. We sold out to the man. We looked into the abyss of AMS hackery and the abyss looked back. These people know our names, they know our weaknesses. Like the Borg, they took our souls and absorbed us into their mainframe. There’s no hope for us now, but perhaps you, dear reader, may escape our fate. Read our posts, but travel not into the land of the Insiders. Pray for us, for we have lost all hope.

The gates of hell are open night and day;
Smooth the descent, and easy is the way:
But to return, and view the cheerful skies,
In this the task and mighty labour lies.
Virgil’s Aeneid

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