Debate Round Three: Rumble in the Gallery

Idiotic statements. Incendiary rhetoric. Tequila shots. People pretending to be Obama.

Personally, I found the Wednesday debates to be much better than Monday’s. I know that some other viewers ( UBC Insiders ) found the debates to be “painfully dull”, but I suspect this disappointment was due to their expectation of things like argumentation and policy. We at the DA have much simpler tastes: we wanted to see a gong show.

We were not disappointed.


VP FINANCE

Ale Coates VS Tom Dvorak

I went into this debate expecting a repeat of Monday’s events: Ale would say obviously ridiculous things while Tom droned on about things like fiscal responsibility. Instead, Ale said subtly ridiculous things, while Tom droned on about sensible business practices. Thank god we had two VP Finance debates back to back, otherwise I would have totally forgotten how one sided this race is.

Debate Highlights

Ale Coates calls SAC on its bullshit. “There is a current lack of promotion for clubs through SAC,” she said. Wow Ale, you really hit the nail on the head. I wonder who’s to blame for this? Maybe the Vice Chair of SAC? What’s her name again? Ail Kodes? Alley Cates? Beer Jackets? Something like that. Anyways, I hope Ale really nails that slacker once she’s elected.

Ale Coates tells students that their student fees aren’t really too high. “At the end of the day, AMS student fees are among the lowest in Canada.” Although this is technically true, I feel like this is a ridiculous comparison to make. A Calgary winter isn’t as cold as an Edmonton Winter, but I’m not about to go streaking in either. Likewise, the fact that UBC’s student fees don’t suck as hard as other schools seems like a poor excuse for not making them bearable.

Ale Coates proposes to build a new used book store on campus. Tom Dvorak asks why anyone would do this when there are already used book stores on campus that are struggling to turn a profit. Ale Coates responds by saying “They haven’t made a loss. They just haven’t made much profit.” Increase supply in an industry with a demand shortage? Genius. I think more people should follow this logic. We could double print order sizes for the AUS Underground. We could start giving the War Gamers club free Viagra. We could hold five AMS elections a year! If you build it, they will come!

One point of actual debate was Art’s County Fair debt relief. Tom argued that the AMS should probably forgive the AUS debt, saying (I’m paraphrasing here) that since all faculties contributed to and benefited from the ACF, the whole student body should shoulder the costs. He did, however, note that he would “need to see everything before [he] make[s] promises.”

Ale Coates argued that since “they’re capable of repaying the debt,” they alone should shoulder the costs. Sucking a crippling amount of money from the coffers of a key constituency? If I didn’t know Ale was an international student, I’d swear she was Canadian.

VP EXTERNAL

iRod VS Tim Chu VS Fire VS King’s Head

Before we get into the issues, allow me to say, thank God for iRod. Finally, a bonafide asshole to shake things up in this election. There’s been some complaining (notably from the Insider’s and (allegedly) from Tim Chu himself) about iRod’s abrasive campaign style. Since he spent most of his time attacking both the current administration and Tim Chu, I suppose that’s not entirely surprising. What is surprising is how upset everyone got. I mean, honestly, who complains about mud slinging in politics? That’s like complaining about fights in hockey: it’s the best damn part of the game!

Sitting next to iRod was the other ‘serious’ candidate, Tim Chu. Tim spent the entire debate whining about equity issues. Next to iRod’s macho jackassery, he came off like a Care-Bear. I half expected Tiny Tim to use “God bless us, every one!” as his closing statement. Exacerbating his wimpy image were Tim’s numerous and obvious audience plants who kept hitting him softball questions. Tim, darling, you really just need to be firm with iRod. Next time that mean ol’ bully tries to take your lunch money, you just tell him “Bullies are only mean because they’re upset their fathers don’t love them” and then go and find an adult. Find the adult as quickly as possible though, because iRod apparently knows Judo and Facebook contains pictures of him with a hunting rifle.

Unfortunately, the supposed joke candidates were no where near as funny as the serious candidates. They did, however, each have their moment of genius. Fire made the obligatory “save me” crack and the Kingshead gave voice to the inner monologue of everyone in the crowd. “I have no idea what I’m doing here,” she said, “What’s Democracy?”

The issue of equity kept reoccurring in this debate, mostly thanks to Tim, who is apparently running as a single issue candidate. When iRod pointed out that equity is something of a running joke among political insiders at UBC, Tim grew indignant. “I don’t know why people take it as a joke,” he said, “it’s not a joke”. Tim, the reason people take equity as a joke is, specifically, because people take equity as a joke. It’s a matter of public opinion purely and, despite the wishes of hacks everywhere, government (especially student government) has no right to tell the masses how they should think.

Debate Highlights

Tim Chu: “Women and Minorities are grossly under-represented [in council] and this needs to change… there are only two Chinese councillers.”
Crowd: “Two and a half!”

Devil’s Advocate editor Aaron Palm daring all candidates to take a shot of tequila without making a face. As far as I saw, they all managed it, though none of them were tough enough to do it without a salt lick and a lime.

iRod being mean to hippies. “The AMS is broken and protest politics has broken it.” Later in the debate, Steph Ratjen points out that protest politics have been really helpful in creating change. iRod’s comeback: “If the point is to be loud, then they have succeeded… They’ve embarrassed students.” I’ll be honest, I don’t think I’m brave enough to say that to Steph Ratjen’s face. I’d be afraid she’d light my house on fire and then block the fire crews as they came to save me.

Tim Chu pretending that this election is in some way meaningful to the student body. “People care about student issues”. This is absolutely true, if by people you mean the five to ten percent of students who vote and if by student issues, you mean beer.

iRod being mean to some hack. I’m afraid I didn’t get a good look at the person asking the question, but it was something along the lines of “who am I and what do I do?” Now, I didn’t actually get to write down iRod’s response, (mostly because I was to busy snapping my fingers and yelling “DAAAYYYY-UUMMM”) but I seem to recall it being something along the lines of ‘you’re a member of the established order and you’re part of the problem.’ Tim’s response was, of course, much nicer: “you’re a student who cares about AMS politics and you shouldn’t be treated like that.” Raging Dickhead versus Ineffective Wimp. It’s like the American election of 2000 all over again.

After the debate, Rory Green, Tim Chu’s campaign manager, tried to hand out Tim Chu supporter buttons to the DA staff. Our fearless leader declined saying “why would I want one of these”. Rory’s response: “If you put it under your pillow while you sleep, it’ll turn into a Tim Chu in the morning.”

Frightening, yet erotic…

BOARD OF GOVERNERS

MIKE DUNCAN VS BLAKE FREDRICK VS TRISTAN MARKLE VS BIJAN AHMADIAN

The opening statements can be characterized thusly:

Blake is has a heart of gold, but unrealistically expects tuition fees to be lowered to… zero. It’s good to have dreams Blake. Hey! Maybe that’s what we can use to pay professors and other staff if this policy is enacted. Every pay check will get you a pat on the back and a pocket full of dreams.
Mike Duncan offers us more of the same and expects us to like it.
Tristan Markle is basically the same candidate as Duncan, going as far as to complain that Mike has ‘stolen’ his issues. He goes on to differentiate himself by claiming to be “the one student who can’t be lied to or blown off”
Bijan reminds us all that he is incumbent and points to his previous record in the BOG: he’s successfully managed to bend over for the administration every time they asked him to. Yay! He’s got my vote!

This debate was somewhat exciting (I use the term loosely) in that the candidates actually picked opposing view points to represent. Now, of course, they all want nearly the same things, but the order of priority differed between them. Oooo! Drama! Tristan Duncan and Mike Markle both pledged to put SUB Renewal at the top of their lists. Bijan mentioned student housing (which was odd, because his main priority seems to be sucking up to The Man) and Blake continued to try and convince the audience that free post-secondary education was a feasible plan.

Debate Highlights

The Devil’s Advocate posed a hypothetical question to the candidates: if a foreign military were to occupy UBC, would you collaborate or lead the resistance? Both Blake and Mike took the predicable approach and claimed they would lead the resistance. Tristan however, outlined a surprisingly detailed plan about how he would set up a communications network to over throw the oppressors. He’s obviously spent some time thinking about this. Bijan spent his allotted time talking about how he thinks that collaboration is the more moral route before ending by saying “I don’t know what I’d pick”. Great. Not only is he a Judas, he’s also an indecisive flip-flopper.

Someone asks a question which takes a pointed shot at Bijan’s personal relationship with Professor Toope, namely his position as Toope’s research assistant. The other candidates claim that they would not have taken the job, while Bijan Arnold defended his betrayal of students by claiming that he has “a relationship with [professor Toope] that helps me exert pressure”. Whatever, Benedict Ahmadian. Networking is for traitors. Bijan “Et Tu, Brute?” Ahmadian went on to cite his role in creating the Police Advisory Committee, stating that the committee is a way for “the police and the community to work together against the problem.” Which is true, if you define having fun as a problem.

Tristan Markle rambling on for ages during his closing statement as the debate moderator tried to cut him off. “I just want to keep the momentum going… that would be amazing.”

Blake railing against the War on Fun. “I’m really tired of seeing this university bully students,” he said. “It shows a disrespect and a misunderstanding of [us]” Truer words were never spoken Blake. Rock on.